"Hello? I'd like to report my summer missing."
"Ok, sir, just calm down. Let's start with your name..."
"Woody."
"Woody?"
"Yes."
"Just Woody?"
"Um, yes. Just Woody."
"Ok, 'Woody,' what can we do for you?"
"Well, as I was explaining, my summer is missing."
"Your summer is missing."
"That's right! I know I started out with it, but after vacation was over I noticed that it was gone!"
"Ooooookay. Missing summer... I don't suppose you can describe it?"
"Oh. Well, I've never tried to describe it before... this may come out a little weird..."
"That's ok. Try me."
"Ok. Um, where to begin? Well, it looks nearly the same every year. Lots of sunshine and hot, hot days. Sweaty yardwork. Backaches and allergies, of course. Oh, and lots of visits to family! Can't forget those!"
"I see. And you say you last saw it during your vacation?"
"Yeah... the details are a little fuzzy. You know how it is... I'm certain I saw it right up through the July 4th celebrations. After that it must have slipped out and I haven't seen it since."
"So your vacation was during the 4th holiday?"
"Yeah. Right around it. We took a train up to Washington, stayed with some friends... you know, that sort of thing."
"And when you came home, your summer was missing?"
"Exactly!"
"Ah, Mr. Woody, please don't take this wrong, but... what have you been doing since your vacation? That was a good month and a half ago..."
"I see your point. Well, let me think... Ok, we got sick a lot. Mrs. Woody had pneumonia for a couple of weeks, then one of my Woodyettes..."
"'Woodyettes?' You have 'Woodyettes?'"
"Yes. My daughters. Anyway, one of them got the flu, then I ended up with it. Then there's the move..."
"You moved?"
"Well, we're moving. Furniture, I mean. Like, the entire house, y'know?"
"And there's a reason for this?"
"Well, sure. We need to give the girls separate rooms now, and we can't lose our school room, so I needed to move our scrapbook cupboard into our bedroom so we could move the TV cab..."
"Spare me the details, Mr. Woody. So, this is what you've been doing with your time?"
"Pretty much. Oh! And preparing for our Temple dedication! I get to sing in one of the choirs, so I've been rehearsing a bit..."
"Ok, ok. I get the picture. Look, I'm not sure I know quite how to break this to you, Mr. Woody..."
"Just give it to me straight, officer."
"Right. Well, Mr. Woody, what you have here is your classic runaway."
"Runaway?"
"Yes, sir. Here's what happens: Summers like to be the center of everything. They expect people to go to the beach, right? I mean, all that warm weather and all those beaches you got out here. It's just natural, you know? Then, of course, there's the barbeques..."
"Barbeques?"
"Yeah! You know: firing up the ol' grill and charcoaling a few steaks or hot dogs. You done any of that this year?"
"Gee, no... I guess I haven't had time!"
"Well, there you go! And don't forget... summer can be pretty moody, too! Why, just last year, I forgot to waste one of my Saturdays at a golf tournament and actually did some yard work instead! Boy, summer didn't talk to me for nearly a week after that. You do play golf, don't you?"
"Um, no. Not really. No."
"Oh, dear. Well, look, Mr. Woody. I'll be blunt. If you don't pay attention to your summer, summer just isn't going to hang around. It's got enough to do without waiting for you to snap out of it and start paying attention. It simply went looking for someone else to play with."
"Man, that's brutal. I guess I didn't expect... Well, look, officer, I appreciate your time. I guess all I can do is try to salvage what summer I have left, huh?"
"That's right, Mr. Woody. Just try relaxing a bit and see if summer doesn't come sneaking back in. Heck, it's probably hiding right outside your front door right now. Hang up, go take a nice soothing shower, dress in some grubbies, and go have some fun. You'll feel much better."
"Yeah. Yeah, I can do that! Gosh, thanks, officer! You've been a big help!"
"No problem, sir. Always here to help. Thanks for calling."
[sigh]
"Hey, Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"I think it's time to retire the Lost and Found number. It's getting weird out there."
"Yeah."
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